Friday, September 02, 2005

A Day of Indecision and Decisions Made…

Well, I would have left this as another one of those “Erev Shabbos + Shabbos = ?...” sort of posts, but truth be told I have decided against it because I do not know what Shabbos will bring.

I am learning that this Blog is turning out to be a very interesting conduit for my emotions and feelings. It is helping me channel the things that I am learning into a directory of memories for the future, a catalogue that I can access at will, when I feel like things will never get better again. It is also a evolving into a record that in a way tracks my progress through the rough times of transition from being a loved and adored child who can always run back into the house to get a kiss from mommy and daddy into being an adult and standing on my own two feet out in the ‘real world.’

I would not say that this process has been in the least bit fun or entertaining. I mean, it was fun until I realized what I was actually getting myself into. My childish dream of living away from Home so as to avoid helping around the house and doing those oh-so-dreaded chores was imbecilic (to say the least.) I thought (in my twisted and selfish way) that if I had somewhere else to live, away from the chaos that I call Home (and that I love) that it would set me free in some way. For the last two years I had lived away from Home in the sheltered environment of my school, stupidly I believed that this would be the same. It is however, as I have learned not in the least bit similar.

Enough about the depressing topic of youthful mistakes and painful reminiscences – this is supposed to be a post about what I did on Friday.

Well, I woke up (bright and early – because I seem to have some sort of mental block towards sleeping at all in my apartment.) The first thing I did was call Daddy and bawl on the phone. Filled with fear and unsure of what to do about Shabbos I asked him for advice. His calm reassurances of “it’s totally natural to feel this way,” “you’re having an anxiety attack, but it will be easier next time,” “sometimes if you give yourself that extra push you find yourself going farther than you ever imagined and having a great time” and “the Beis Hamikdash wasn’t built in a day” convinced me that I needed to stay in Jerusalem for Shabbos and have a good time too. After that phone conversation, I had firmly mentally prepared myself to stay for Shabbos and Shoshana and I decided that since we were bored and had nothing to do that we would spend some of our morning ‘out.’ Sorely lacking a place to sleep for Shabbos we decided to walk to Har Nof to see how long the walk would take. We made it in about 45 minutes. We got flowers and dropped them off at the Segal’s house. Then we trekked back to the apartment. All afternoon I continued to be unable to eat and my stomach went right on churning, I was also still unable to sleep. Exhausted and mentally wiped out I cried almost continually for hours. Finally at around 1:00 Sammy came to visit. She stayed for a while and told me about her first day of school. Then I walked her down to the bus stop and on the way dawn Daddy called me to see how I was doing. Predictably I started crying again as I trudged back to my apartment.

To Be Continued…

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