Thursday, December 01, 2005

Facing the Green Eyed Monster...

Well, I was in a good mood for the majority of the day - however since returning to my 'home' my mood has been reduced to rubble.

I had intended to make this a jolly sort of post - titled "Bone-y things and Meninges" or something like that, however due to the upsurge of dare I say jealousy, in my gut - I am no longer inclined to do so.

Jealous. Why am I jealous? This is a good question. I shall grace it with an unfitting answer. I say unfitting because - there is no good reason to be jealous - I mean, everyone should ideally learn to be happy with ALL of the things that they DO have.

Nonetheless. I find myself wallowing in pity and despair, bemoaning my fate -

Today I focus on the bad (not something that I generally do.)

- My computer is no longer my own. My $2000 laptop has become 'shared property' - I pretend not to mind, I have convinced myself that I do not mind however, I do mind. As a result of it being shlepped to and from my apartment on a weekly basis (due to my own neurosis) and due to it being used in what one could term 'inappropriate ways' (not handled with care) it no longer functions as well as it used to. I am not saying that this is due to the fact that it has become 'hefker' and that other people use it more than I do, it could have happened anyway - but surely the extra stress it has been under caused the deterioration to occur at a more rapid rate.
- I want to be the best me possible BUT somehow, every time I get close to achieving my goal - I realize "hey, I could be better." It is sooo stupid. Why am I doing this to myself? I could be happy with the way I am now, but I am not. Plus, it's not even like the things that I have strived to change about myself have even been noticed. I am still the same old, plain, kvetchy, whining twit that I was before I started working on myself. At least at this self-deprecating moment - that is how I feel.
- Why not me? Why everyone else but not me? Never me. I don't understand.
- Why can't people mind their own business? Why is it that everyone else's business is free to be discussed but their business is so 'drastic and different' that it cannot even be mentioned lest it be spoken about.
- I want. I want, and I cannot have. I can never have. I don't even mean 'have enough' or 'have more' I just can't have – 'full stop'.

I am feeling pathetic enough to wish that for a moment I were Raquel. At least she is all those things I wrote last week whereas I truly am none of them.

I want to be better. Really, I do.

I'm just not sure I want to go about putting in all of the effort, when I know that there is a pretty good chance that everything that I do, and that all of my hishtadlut will probably be for naught. That I will watch all of my hard work crumble around me and be unable to stop the rushing deluge.

Can you imagine how limiting that is?

It hurts…


tevie said...

You should not be so hard on you’re self, and you defiantly should not be pessimistic, even when things look bad you can still be optimistic and look for the good things. ^_^

Sassy Madricha said...

If you don't want me to use your computer anymore, just tell me so! I'm sorry Lori!