Monday, February 06, 2006

Fighting - Flickering - Gone...

A haze lies low over the city
It muddles my mind as well
Thoughts I think and know and have
are caught up in the swell.

The day seemed never-ending
On and on it stretched
From sun's first light 'til darkness fell

*sigh* My mind is so clouded that I can't even compose proper poetry. (Granted, I'm usually not very good - but this attempt was just pathetic.)

I seem to be having yet another 'melt-down.' I'm not exactly sure what brought this one about. I think I have a lot friends. Funnily enough though, I find myself completely without THE one that I really want on my side.

My BEST friend of 17 years and 7 months has moved on to bigger and better things. Why is it that I have such difficulties in taking this step? I was supposed to do it two and a half years ago - yet some sentimental attachment is holding me back.

Why? I know it's not a good question and that it is a 'crooked letter' and that I'm a heretic for not just 'believing' - but I can't seem to help it.

Life keeps moving - Nothing stops because I am sad - the world does not notice my particular hurt or pain. Things just flow ever on. Which is as it should be.

Or maybe - that is the key...

We must learn to make our worlds stop a little or at the very least slow down when another is hurting - to better be able to relate to them. To show them support. To show them that we care.

But what if things being as they should be are the cause of the pain? What if I wish that time would stop and that the natural course of things would not invade the peaceful bubble that has been erected over almost two decades of love, nurture and closeness?

Or maybe - in reality - two decades is nothing and I am trying to stop the sea from washing away the footprints that were left unwittingly on the shore and the sand-castle built perilously close to the water's edge.

Time like the sea does not differentiate between that which was built with effort & love and the footprints of a jogger who passed by on a run at the edge of the water where the sand is flogged mercilessly and when the waves recede they leave no trace of what was there before.

For me this is like losing a sand-castle.


Miryam said...

Lori, I am totally commiserating right now. I have no idea what the cause of your pain is, but the symptoms seem to be the same as mine. If you ever need someone to talk to...

debsy said...

Lori, why do i feel like you just read my mind and wrote how i felt? if i could write as well as you - i'd have written something like that. Lori, Miryam and anyone else who feels the same - i understand totally - if the tide seems to be washing mercilessly in - then i understand. If you want someone to talk to and commiserate with.....just give me a shout.

Hinda said...


~{~~@ said...

I read the beginning and then you inconveniently walked in… so I had to stop and pretend- but when I heard you were going to the post office I so badly wished I could take your place so at least one thing would be off your mind. I hope you are feeling better, I know I was awfully cheered up after my irritating morning when I was able to find Tachles in two seconds thanx to someone organizing the files. I don’t know you all that well but you seem like someone full of depth and your joy is contagious, so please cheer up! I know it’s not much especially cuz by the time you come in I’m half out the door, but I’m here…