Monday, May 15, 2006

Beyond Despair - Afraid to Hope...

Ever have one of those moments? Ever have one of those hours? Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of 'those' consecutively for a month?

I feel like I have.

Nothing seems to go right anymore. I can't be happy because I'm always too sad. I am always so sad because I miss being happy. I am always tired and I feel the negative weight of the world on my shoulders. No matter how hard I search for the good and I search for the light, it eludes me.

I feel like I am playing a losing game of cat and mouse only I am the mouse who is trying to catch the cat.

This is not going to have a happy ending.

I can tell.

More later - after the fires and some brooding in the moonlight. Later, when my clothes carry the scent of smoke and all that occupies my mind is the hypnotic vision of the flames and a lullaby.

Maybe then things will be more clear.

Though, my hope is failing.

I feel I am losing.

Catch me.



Lorelai said...

This comment didn't fit into the post properly so I decided to put it here...

I hate this burden of oversensitivity. I don't want to feel what you're feeling - it just makes my life more painful. AHHHH!!! I'm cursed!!

I just want somebody to talk to - but I've chased everyone away. It's for their own good. Anyway, they can't fully appreciate the three-fold effect.


This is a pathetic existence.

On the other hand - just 46 days until I'm at the 99 year mark.

Is that even something to look forward to?

Nobody ever rememebers.

I am nothing more than an inconvenience.

That's what I have always been.

I have yet to bring light, joy and happiness into somebody's life.

And I fail every attempt quite miserably.

This is a self-hating comment. I know. I wrote it.

I think I'll go write some more in my diary - nobody wants to read about my sadness anyway...

debsy said...

As my grandma would sing ' I love you and don't you forget it' - words to a song, don't know by whom or when they were written, but oh soo true!
No further comments required, refer to phone call
with tons of luv and a great big hug!

~{~~@ said...

wish I could do more-
and on top of everything I selfishly ditched you today...
I owe you big time!
When will you join us for Shabbos?
bring someone along if you want!
see you tomorrow!!!!
I wish upon a fire you will smile when you walk in...