Wednesday, May 03, 2006

What am I? A Chipmunk?!

*sigh* - The candles are lit, The lights are off, The music sounds softly in the background. I breathe in once. Twice. Just to compose myself - or so I think. And then the words begin...

Howdy everybody. I'm thinking (again/as usual) and I'm trying my hardest to make them happy thoughts. Sadly, today wasn't as much fun as I had hoped it would be. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time - but still...


Yeah, so I woke up this fine morning at 7:00ish. Went to the Shul breakfast and picked strange orange-colored fruity things with Ora (which we subsequently fed to an unsuspecting public.) After clean-up we made a quick stop at a 'shiva-house' and then headed back Home. Mommy announced (much to my disamy) that all plans were cancelled. No tiyul, no picnic and most of all - NO beach! (ARG!) So I settled myself down and prepared myself for a boring afternoon. I spent an hour and a half studying for Anatomy (yes everybody - all you doubters - I actually studied!!!) Then I tried to sleep until Freddie pulled me outta bed and put my sneakers on my feet. "We're going to the Ampi!! Come ON!!!" - Anywho, we spent about an hour (or two?) tossing around three footballs, kicking a soccer balls, flinging four frisbees and giving our muscles a total workout. (My poor deltoid and trapezius - I am in pain. *ahem* - hint hint wink wink nod nod nudge nudge - Shosh... hehehe.)

The Preisers showed up a little after 5:00 as did Saba & Savta - and Mommy outdid herself. A beautiful table was set and the 'feth-tival thpiwit' was well felt. Of course, she made that 'warm chocolate' cake (yes it IS a Pesach cake - but it is soooo good and gluten-free!) Sammy, Mommy, Raquel and even Shui helped me practice my homework. (Batsheva will be sooo proud, NOT!)

Once they left Brenda, Eli and I 'jumped-rope' (for purely cardio-vascular reasons...) until I decided to go watch a movie with my Freddie.

Of course, as usual - as soon as I start to get back on track, G-d steps in and decides to have His fun (which I don't mind, cause I trust Him. BUT, it sure is getting to be a pain in the rear-end!) After a day of no contact with friends I suddenly have two SMSes waiting for me.

All I can say at this point is - Sas, I did it. I know your uncle would be 'so proud' but I am not dealing well. It was too complicated. There was too much to say and the words to say what needed to be said simply were not appropriate. I almost backed out. I would have backed out. There is NO reason I had to go through with it aside from the fact that - deep down - I know it was the right thing to do. And so, I have hurt myself but even more so, I have hurt another and that hurts me even more. It was all that I could do not to dissolve into tears - I was literally 'that close' and it is still gnawing away at me. As a matter of fact, I am still shaking from it.

The fact of the matter is that - I do care. Of course, by virtue of the fact that I care - I leave myself open and vulnerable. I am inviting emotional ruin into my Home and I know that I am doing just that - and yet - I can do nothing differently.

If you fall off of the face of the planet. If you disappear. If.

What a terrible little two letter word. If.

What should I do?

What would I do?

It is all the timing really. The timing stinks. You are going away. You are going to have fun and meet new people and see new places. Adventures for stories and memories too. I however, will still be here. At Home - where I have always been and probably always will be.

You heard what I said even though you thought you didn't.

I meant it.

You know where to find me...


Sassy Madricha said...

Never mind my uncle Lori, I am so proud of you. I know it isn't easy and I realize how much courage and nerve it took... But trust me, you did the right thing. You will agree in the long run, but for now the pain is new and it will hurt.

I love you and am always here for you to cry and kvetch to...

Lorelai said...

Thanks Sas. Good to know I have somebody to turn to AND right back atcha (as you well know...)

Of course, my new mantra is along the lines of "HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?! I SAID NO!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - but, as was explained to me last night - life will go on. It's a crisis, but eventually it will pass. I'm not flipping out (at least I'm trying not to)

But still...