Friday, February 02, 2007

Awake. Barely. Continue. Down.

Being that I have yet to figure out how to use my beautiful new camera - I have no new pictures to share with you this week.

Come to think of it, I don't have much to say today.

Sis, I finally watched Moulin Rouge and it was a trifle disturbing but an incredible story. It's so nice to be feeling all fed-up and alone and to watch a movie with a sad ending. It's the feeling you get when Eponine dies in Les Miserables and when they scatter the rose petals over Beth's bed in Little Women.

W. Clement Stone said, "Bondage is - subjection to external influences and internal negative thoughts and attitudes."

Maybe that is why I feel so trapped. Maybe I really do take to heart what other people say and I am a 'people-pleaser' and so I go crazy trying to please everyone but get frustrated because logic and common-sense have both proven the task of always pleasing everyone to be impossible.

Unless of course I am nobody. Because nobody is the only somebody who can please all of the people all of the time.

It's funny how when you choose not to follow someone's advice they assume that either you are a fool or that you weren't listening - when all along - you listened but it was not what you wanted because they were not and had never been in your situation and they did not know how you felt and had you attempted to explain it to them they still would not have understood.

Yes, the 'stage' of confusion and frustration can strike at any time. I just wish it had a rule like lightning and didn't strike more than once in the same place.

Maybe I feel too much. Maybe if I were more cold and impersonal and distant it wouldn't always be like I was getting the worse end of the deal.

That's it!!! I shall cut off all the people that I call my 'friends' and become a recluse. I shall no longer hum while I walk nor smile at the sad looking strangers as I pass them by. My phone shall no longer be for 'recreational' chatting, rather a tool for people to locate me by in order to ascertain whether or not I am still alive. No one shall know me and no one shall see me. No more laughter or games. No more walks in the rain. No more music. No more of anything that adds to the 'quality of life' and above all else - no more fiction or dreams or talk of things that cannot be.

Have a good shabbos.
Have a good week.
Enjoy your life,
without me.


yo' meanma said...

Well my dear...
The quotes have it!

"You can run but you can't hide"

Remember someone out there will eventually find you. As Edwin Markham once wrote:

He drew a circle that shut me out Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout But love and I had the wit to win; We drew a circle that took him in.

Tamir said...

...please tell me that you're kidding...

~{~~@ said...

Oh man, tough one!
U sound something like I did once, until I did all those things- and became a "recluse"
Anyways - I am still "here" so I'll be seeing you in 12.25 hours