Tuesday, March 15, 2011


There are some things and they have got to change.

The problem is that change is hard. Like, really really hard.

The first part is that I tend to put a lot more effort into taking care of others than I put into taking care of me. The best example which springs to mind is my 'cooking habits'. As long as there is someone else around I am happy to slave away and cook/bake delicious things but if it's just me then I'll eat a bag of potato chips and try to pretend that I'm full. (Yeah, so it actually doesn't work too well and I generally end up eating cookies and/or another bag of potato chips - when in reality I should just buckle down and make myself some rice pasta or an egg.) Last week I baked 2-dozen bagels (which I couldn't eat) and although I did make FF crackers (which turned out great) I only made a small batch and was too lazy to make any more.

The second part is that I have a very hard time remembering that the journey is the important part of life. I tend to get stuck in 'routine' mode. My brain kind of blanks out and everything passes by in a blur. The 'day-to-day' stops mattering because in my head more time is coming. I neglect to pay attention and realize that the moments that pass are the important ones, because I'll never get them back.

Over the last 2-years I've been going through a lot of stuff and especially in the last year I didn't necessarily cope with everything as well as I should have. (Granted there were imbalances and chemical reasons - beyond my every-day control which I can techinically attribute things to.) The short of it was that I was completely out of control of everything from my emotions to my physical well-being. It was scary. No other way to describe it. Like a twisted-evil out of body experience. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Thankfully 4 months post-FructMal-diagnosis - I am feeling like a new person. I still have my 'off' days and am chafing with regard to my ridiculously restricted diet - but the bright side is that I am more or less back in control of my body. (Next step is getting control of my 'mind' - but that's a much tougher thing to do.)

Day by day my body heals and my energy returns. Now I need the motivation. I'm not posting this looking for 'you can do it' slogans in the comments section - I'm posting it because I need to see it, read it and internalize it. I need to do this for myself.

It's time for me to put my sneakers on and walk. It's time for me to dig out my yoga mat and stretch. It's time for me to get off my couch and move.

And while I'm at it I suppose it wouldn't hurt to be a tad less ridiculous about how I spend my time in the kitchen. I've been bookmarking recipes and concepts for weeks now for 'allowable foods' that I could eat - but I never bother making any. In that time I've baked a dozen new types of bread and two dozen types of desserts. Isn't it time for me to cook stuff that I can enjoy too? I think it is.

It's a pain that the foods on my 'ok' list like; nuts, alternate flours - (oat, barley, almond), rice pasta and meat are much more expensive than plain old flour and white sugar - but it's my health we're talking about. Physically - literally.

So - I guess I'll have to step up the serious job-search while I'm at it.

94.5 years left and counting...

So much to do - so little time.

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